May 1993
The Sisters Grimm Edition
As soon as they arrived, they set about regularizing their
relationship in a form compatible with the custom of the land. Thus
ensued a great tribal gathering from far and wide, that ended with the
occupation of a Loire valley château for a week. This, however, was
another story (see CCSS wedding edition 1992).
As the days passed, Frau Heim demonstrated some very unusual characteristics for a German woman. ``You clean too much!'', she cried, as the Australian couple banged out the carpets and vacuumed the house. ``You wash too much!'' was another cry, as the couple mastered the German washing machine with its efficient two hour washing cycle.
By and by, having settled into the routine life in the village, the couple decided to go on a pilgrimage to Spain to spend hours waiting in queues to see tourist propaganda for countries they could have visited by car if they had wished. Expo they called it. They also wanted to go to a large circular arena where some people were throwing very strange looking objects around, and others were running around the outside trying not to be hit by them. This event, they were told, was called the Olympic Games.
To avoid paying an exorbitant rent in addition to the costs of travelling to Spain at the same time, the couple asked Frau Heim if it would be alright if they could sublet the rooms for the three weeks that they would be away. ``Of course!'', she said. So the matter was settled. A nice quiet German family (the Lutzes) moved in shortly thereafter. ``Too quiet!'' she muttered. ``It is not normal for children to be so quiet. They must be hiding something.''
One day, the children's Grandmother and another relative came to visit, and the children went out to play in a tent on the balcony. Frau Heim went into a rage. ``They are taking over mein house!''. Her visage began to change. No longer was she the harmless, eccentric old woman, she became the witch queen of the Black Forest! She approached the wife of the family, and demanded ``What is your name, and address, my lovely?'' The children's mother took one look at the witch queen and refused to answer. Frau Heim huffed and she puffed, but the children's mother kept her protective silence.
When the Australian couple returned from their sojourn, they heard about these events from a friend. They decided at once to talk to Frau Heim and to try and placate her. She wasn't at home at the time, but after a few days, she returned, and agreed to see the couple. At first the talk proceeded amiably enough. Suddenly, Frau Heim started to pace the room, again the witch queen. ``You are too intelligent, too clever, you are against me!'', she fumed. ``You must answer to my wolf, ... I mean, my lawyer!''
A week passed by and then a letter arrived from her top wolf, who held a masters degree in comparative sheep watching, from the University of Michigan in the USA. This wolf was determined make things difficult. Despite his knowledge of English, he would insist on using the ``language of the land'' - German legalese. The Australian couple approached all their German friends who said ``Oh no, this is terrible. Wolves are so cunning. You must get another German wolf to help you.''
Following their advice they telephoned another wolf who said ``I
cannot discuss this on the phone, I can't give you any advice ... No I
can't tell you how much it will cost you must come and see me. But
first fax me the details of your case.'' Let's call him the Faceless
wolf.
Straight after this, the Lutzes' boss (recall the quiet German family with the ``too quiet'' children) said ``We've caused you so much inconvenience, you can use our Company wolf. He is very cunning. You won't have to pay for it. It will go on our company account.'' A free wolf was not to be scoffed at and so, naturally, the couple rang the Faceless wolf and said ``Thank you very much, but we won't be needing you now''. And so they made contact with the Company wolf in his small village of Baden Baden.
In the meantime, the Faceless wolf had apparently decided to take action into his own hands. He wrote to the Witch Queen's Top wolf saying that he was representing the Australian couple, and unbeknownst to them, arranged for a court appearance to settle the case. Next, to the couple's astonishment the Faceless wolf sent a bill for 198 marks (roughly the equivalent in Australian dollars). The couple protested that the bill was unwarranted. As a result, the Faceless wolf sent an amended bill for 590 marks!! Mafioso tactics had come to the Black Forest.
By this time , the Australian couple had decided that they had had enough of living near the Black Forest with its strange inhabitants and strange ways. Kim decided she would rather practice on someone else's legal problems (i.e. at the College of Law), rather than on her own. Russell had had enough of German bureaucratese and legalese. Accordingly, the couple decided to cut the Gordian knot in the above battle and therefore sent notice to the witch queen's top wolf that they would be leaving and gave two months notice in writing as per the contract. True to the nature of the beast, the Top wolf smelt victory. He advised the witch queen to pursue her prosecution. He figured he could probably just squeeze in a court hearing before the couple left, and hence make some more money. What's more, he could probably get them to leave the house ten days earlier than they had planned. What fun!
Anxious to bring an end to this absurdity, the Australian couple agreed to this twist, provided the wolves were called off. But the wolves had to have their day in court. The witch queen shrieked with glee. And so they went to court, agreed to leave as they already had done, and the case was settled. What a farce!
But what was not settled was the little matter of the Faceless wolf wanting his 590 marks, and also another little matter of the Company wolf now demanding in excess of 2000 marks, more than seven times the agreed upon figure for his services!
And so it was with little regret that the Australian couple said their farewells to Karlsruhe, taking heed to obtain two witnesses' statements to counter the by then expected unethical tactics of the wolves. The couple, not to be deprived of a farewell, held a celebratory Halloween party at the soon to be vacated appartment. It will come as no surprise that the Witch Queen had not been invited. As the walls of the appartment filled to the sounds of full throated song, the couple looked in the direction of the Witch Queen's den, smiled, and said ``This one is for you''.
Herein is recounted the story after the couple's departure from Karlsruhe, as Kim and Russell did a whirlwind tour around selected parts of Europe, before heading for the Southern hemisphere, leaving behind the witch queen and the wolves to prey upon their next innocent victims...The young (or by now harried and aging) couple boarded a train for the ancient capital of Bohemia where gingerbread houses were an appealing lure. The sun shone on crisp winter's days, and the couple spent their first five days without the shadow of the wolves or the Witch Queen upon them.
Leaving Prague, the couple skipped their way to the village of Mumming in Lower Bavaria to visit Birgit. The first snows of the season fell softly on the ground. The couple began to breathe easily.
Leaving snowy Bavaria behind, the couple then headed south for the warmth of Italian climes, joining Jenny and David in a small village near Spoleto, Umbria. The couple revelled in exploring the mediaeval hill towns and picking olives with friends in the grounds of a ruined castle ``Morccichia''. The wolves and the witch queen seemed a long way away.
The mantle had definitely lifted by the time the couple arrived in Venice. The mirth flowed as the couple cavorted around their friend's Michelle & Paul kitchen, a pan d'oro cake box on their heads, chanting in accented Italian the ingredients listed on the box, much to the delight of their Italian guest.
Travelling overnight by train to Paris to catch a morning train to Souillac saw the couple in the Dordogne region of France. Having had a friendly train conductor (a novelty in itself) to whom supplying an extra blanket was no trouble whatsoever, put them in a great mood to appreciate the region. However, with winter upon them, they discovered that there was nothing in the way of transport, particularly to tourist sites. Their hitlist included Rocamadour (a mediaeval pilgrimmage spot rivalling Rome and Jerusalem), Sarlat (a picturesque mediaeval town) and the Lascaux caves (renowned for their prehistoric art). The only way for them to get to the first of these was to try their chances hitch-hiking. What happened next was one of those wonderful stories that should be told to counter all the negative stories about hitching. Their first ride took them as far as the next village (about 2km). They were then picked up by a French couple, who were professional photographers. Not only did they visit Rocamadour together (completely deserted at that time of the year), but the photographers invited them to accompany them for the rest of the day. They picniced together on the side of the road just outside Autoire, ``The most Picturesque Village in France'', putting their cheeses, bread and pâé into the centre with some provisions they had bought in the village. They visited Castelnaud, an important mediaeval fortress, and the day ended with the photographers driving the couple back to their point of departure at Souillac because they could not find any local public transport that got them back. Unfortunately, Kim caught the flu, and so they spent the next couple of days in the region holed up in a hotel in Sarlat, and were not able to see anything else. The takeaway vegetarian restaurant did good business though.
The next couple of days the couple spent catching up with Annelies, a Dutch friend of Kim's, recuperating and preparing for their assault on Britain. They really didn't see that much of Holland. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant introduction to Holland for Russell.
Crossing the channel into Britain was a bit of a culture shock. Suddenly Australia was no longer the far off mythical realm it had been on the continent, but was instead as close as some drunken lout with a can of Fosters in one hand. The couple were very lucky to be able to stay with Amanda and Arjen in London and to use this as a base from which to travel to other parts of England to visit long-term friends. They managed to visit Joo Ee & Ed in Birmingham, Jenny & David (again!) in Stratford upon Avon, Stan & Penny in Oxford, Judy in Cambridge and Rimmer & Judith in Grantham. Penny Murray travelled up from Chichester to London to see the couple there.
The trip to Amanda and Arjen's weekend cottage in the village of Little Hempston (pop. 200 - including the sheep!) in Devon was a delight, while back in London, they made sure they saw plenty of West End shows, giving Kim her fix.
The couple's last stop before returning to Australia involved 10 days luxuriating on Apuao Grande, a tropical island in the Phillipines. The Crichton clan gathered to celebrate Christmas and New Year in true celebratory style. The island boasted a 9 hole golf course, a tennis court and an unlimited beach. Kim's mother, being the avid golfer she is, got around the course on a Water Buffalo-pulled cart, much to the delight of the regular inhabitants. All told it was a wonderful interlude distancing the couple from the trials and tribulations they left behind and the promise of better things in the life ahead.
The couple had little time to
settle back in. Four days after arriving back in Australia, Kim
started her College of Law course, a requirement for being admitted to
the legal profession. She is due to be admitted on the 2nd of July, so
finding some sort of gainful employment is starting to become a
pressing concern. Will she have to return to Canberra? (oh no!) In the
meantime, she is rehearsing for the forthcoming College Revue, which
is keeping her occupied when the normal college work isn't. This
despite the fact that Kim is still undergoing naturopathic treatment
for her chronic fatigue syndrome, and is still on a restrictive diet,
but is otherwise leading a ``normal'' life!
Rus, after spending three months looking for work, started with the University of New South Wales as an adviser for users of the new parallel supercomputer (a CM5) that the University bought in consortium with Sydney University, Macquarie University and University of Technology Sydney. He is actively involved in encouraging scientists to use the machine, and helping them over the learning curve.
Otherwise, they are enjoying the Australian lifestyle, enjoying the company of good friends, and intend to live happily ever after.